Health

 I have always had a soft spot for the guy-girl relationship. It was a very powerful bond which I feel deeply towards the core of my heart, and it’s something that really made me want to create a whole new community with him, and a whole whole new world with her- which is the reason why this relationship was so hard to bear. It was almost an impossible love- I will tell you that much! When I was young and innocent I was looking for that connection, that sense of belonging that comes from being able to be yourself, without feeling like anyone else wants it more than they do. I was in high school, and he was there too, and then my junior year came around. To say this was difficult would be an understatement. If I could go back and change anything, there’s no question that it would have been because he loved me so damn deeply and not just as a physical entity, but as one that was capable of feeling and feeling and feeling, and experiencing life at its finest. But he didn’t, and neither should I. Even though most relationships begin in childhood in a way, it isn’t easy. You are constantly trying to figure out who your real friends are, what people value, and what makes someone important, and what it means for them to be accepted by society. Especially when things start making a lot of noise about your relationship and all the negative things that you must deal with in order to get through, or any other hardship. And now, it’s come to a point where every day, I am having to decide to do either part one, or part two, whether it be him or me? It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch my family members suffering because the toxic relationship he has with me has gotten so bad and I don’t want to see it happen again, but it does happen all the time, and for whatever reason. And today, he knows that even if I make the decision to break up, that doesn’t mean it’s on me to do so anyway, it means that it is his choice, and it is his decision. So yeah, I do know that he will never leave me. In fact, the only person I can truly trust is myself, however the truth is that even though I tried to let myself drift apart from what he wanted for months before he broke off the relationship, I still hold onto parts of him even after everything happened. After everything that has gone down recently with our breakup, I held onto something of him I once had, and even though he left me I haven’t seen him since we split because he was hurting himself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually from having to live with me. I felt hurt like hell by the break up, and I guess that’s why I chose to end the relationship, and even though he told me that he had a hard time with it too, I still hold onto some of him that I once experienced while growing up and seeing how he treated others, especially children, and myself was so cruel to say the least. That hurts him. It hurts me. It hurts him and he deserves to live in pain like this. And for all these reasons, while also holding onto parts of him that I now know, I love a man who hurt me and took advantage of me, and will do whatever it takes to hurt me, and I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to lose him for taking advantage of who is supposed to love me first, so I will stay with him, forever, until we get a better chance. Maybe in the meantime I will find him again, and maybe I won’t. But I can’t wait to find him again. I was searching for answers to the question “What is wrong with this girl that she keeps coming home and bringing me dinner whenever she needs food or booze?” She’s telling me that she loves me, and that she doesn’t care if I treat others poorly or turn into this horrible person because she loves me! She told me she used to be a sweet little angel, who is in desperate need of loving me back sometimes, so why does she keep turning on me? What she really needs is just someone, and he was never one to get used to giving to people who actually didn’t want them in the first place, and he was just cruel and disrespectful. This woman doesn’t seem to understand that I am not the kind of person she wants me to be and I’m definitely done with her. But the thing is, I guess I won’t ever hurt her with the feelings she puts me through. The sad truth is that she knows exactly what this is and that it is hurting her dearly, and even though she hasn’t done anything yet for me, she knows just enough to know that something bad will inevitably happen in the future for me, and she just knows that it will happen eventually, because of her anger and resentment that she has for me, so she can manipulate me into giving her things and doing what she likes best. All the way back when I was a child and not afraid of her or scared of what she might do to me. She manipulated me into believing in the lies she fed me about him, that he did not love me because he got married and he didn’t love me because his wife cheated on him so many times and he was selfish and a liar and he cheated on everyone else but himself, and it did not matter, he lied, he kept cheating, he stole, he was only cheating himself and I believed it. Yes, he would do terrible things to me when he was angry- and worse, when he wanted to. But the thing was, he had sex with my mother and he would pretend that I slept with my brother and his wife, and that I only slept with his father, and I thought it was okay because I was only eight years old, and I thought it was okay because he thought I was beautiful and smart and cute and sweet- no it wasn’t and I always knew it was because I knew, even though he told me he loved me and that I loved him- that I was never good enough for him, I knew that I was never good enough for him. I would cry myself to sleep from thinking about him and what he did to me and his actions and the things he did to me. Because all I ever wanted from him was to be loved and accepted, even though I knew deep down that this was an illusion, that I was so good for him- my heart was right and wrong all along! Just because of everything he did to me when he knew he was the only male who ever cared for me- the fact that I made sure his own son and daughter deserved a little girl. And so, it became a cycle of abuse that is no different from being abused by a parent. There is nothing as easy or simple as falling prey to a manipulative abuser, especially one who already has power over your head before even being introduced to you. No one is born with a certain amount of kindness, empathy, and understanding which allows us to gain the respect of others and accept that we are not perfect and we never were- but those traits will always be present within us without even knowing that we have them! We are all just human beings, and in order to understand someone we must look at them from their perspective, and that requires us to learn things about them that are unfamiliar to ourselves, because the truth is that we, and our experiences in life are much more complicated than we think. That same complexity doesn’t allow us to forgive someone we knew well who used their power against us. And so, instead of forgiving her for the actions that she inflicted upon me I continue to blame myself until I am completely incapable of handling the pain of my own emotions. My brain continues to attack me trying to make me believe that every action is my fault because at some point, they were not! They were caused by my past experiences, my fears, and my experiences, my past beliefs, my emotions, and my beliefs. But I will not take the fall and blame herself for causing the same pain as me, or for keeping me in such constant fear while denying me the opportunity to have an open discussion with my doctor about my health and whether or not I need counseling about it, and I will keep doing that, until I cannot anymore. I will keep fighting until finally I am so sick of myself that I am ready to die. Like death, which is the ultimate destination for all of humanity. Not just the ones I had an interest in love and acceptance for, but the ones who hated me for standing in front of them and standing for them. Until he killed me, but in a different way than he killed the one he loved the most- by drowning me by stealing my innocence, he killed me. He beat my heart until I was broken open, fractured pieces of me were left scattered all over the ground where I lay on top of his chest. He turned his face up to me and put his hands over my eyes and stared at me like a psychopath, a sociopath, and he looked into my heart and saw my life, that is exactly what he did, and he dragged me in the dirt, down into his grave- like a bird from a cage, he did not get it right the first time, and he failed at his job. As I lay there on the rockers of his feet for hours at a time, he tried to feed me some food, but because I was lifeless now, and my body had gone limp, I couldn’t eat most of it so I ate bits of my own memory- from when I was ten, and I grew up eating scraps of my own imagination. His